OKCupid’s “Crazy Blind Date” is as misguided as Windows 8

I’ve been doing online dating regularly since 2002.  And I even dabbled with it somewhat back in ’99 and ’00 when Yahoo Personals was still free.  I’ve sent thousands of emails and perused tens of thousands of profiles on pretty much every online dating site that’s popped up and faded away over the years.  And I’ve dated and banged dozens of chicks from those sites in that time.

That’s why it pains me to see that OKCupid.com has rolled out a harebrained idea called “Crazy Blind Date.”  Actually, it thrills me because I delight in Schadenfreude.  Speaking of Schadenfreude, have you tried Windows 8?  OKCupid’s shitty new dating idea reminds me a lot of it.

Just as Windows 8 attempts to “simplify” your user experience by taking away choices, so does Crazy Blind Date.  Want to set up an ad hoc wireless network in Windows 8?  Tough shit!  Want to see the person you’ll waste your Saturday night with on OKCupid?  Double tough shit!

Let’s look at why CBD sucks:

1)  Most people who do online dating are fat and/or ugly.  Sorry, had to be said.  I’ve spent untold man-hours “hiding” thousands of OKC users I would never, under any circumstances, stick my dick into.  Hot girls know they’re hot and put as many pics of themselves up as possible.  Only the fuglies don’t have pics.  Now they expect me to go out with someone who has a 95% chance of being one of these unfuckable broads?  Hell no.

2) Men usually pay for dates.  Despite the advances of feminism, which I truly love, men are still usually expected to pay for a first night out.  So now I’m paying for a date with some unknown she-beast who will cause my cock to shrivel once I get a good view of her?  Yeah… no.

3) The name is terrible.  “Crazy Blind Date.”  Crazy?  Really?  “Crazy” and “Blind Date” are not words I want anywhere near each other.   That’s like “Crazy Ex-Wife,” “Crazy Driver,” or “Crazy Mother-in-Law.”  These are bad terms to put together.  When I think of a “crazy” blind date I think of someone who kidnaps me, throws me in the trunk of a car, then leaves me blindfolded in a dumpster behind Jack in the Box after rifling through my wallet and pissing on my head.  This is not the kind of date I’m looking for.

4) The idea of Crazy Blind Date is that people will go out on some lukewarm pisser of a coffee date or something every single day of the week (read the press releases and interviews.)  I don’t know about you, but I simply don’t have the time or interest to do this.  I want to meet chicks who are attractive and fuckable and who want to screw me too, and if it turns into something more… great.  I’m certainly not going to spend my precious time going out with women for an endless string of boring first-dates, one after another after another.

5) This is purely a money-making ploy for OKCupid.  Much like Windows 8 — which is an attempt to move sheep consumers into a paradigm where they have to buy everything through an Apple-like “Windows Store” — Crazy Blind Date is not OKC’s attempt to solve any perceived need within the online dating community.  It’s simply an attempt to generate new revenue.

See, once you’ve gone out on your boring date with your new 300lb friend, you’re then expected to give OKC some of your money to rate the person or whatever.  I’m not really sure how it works and I really don’t give a shit.  But it’s clear that they’re promoting this scheme so hard that the owners of the company must need new Jaguars or something.

6) I want more choices, not fewer.  Just as Microsoft has finally, officially jumped the shark by releasing an operating system that simplifies stuff so much that most of the screen is filled with absolutely nothing, OKC seems to think that people encounter “too much information” online.   Therefore, just eliminate choices!  Who needs to see what the other person looks like or what they have to say on their profile?  That stuff shouldn’t be important to you anyway.  You’re just a lowly sheep consumer, so shut the fuck up and take what we give you.  We want more money and your ass is lucky to have anything at all, and don’t you forget it.

Honestly, the beauty of internet dating is that you can kind of figure out what the other person is like before you even meet.  You can eliminate tons and tons of people without wasting more time than the 5-15 seconds it takes to read their profile and look at their pics.  That is the one and pretty much only positive side to online dating.  Why would you want to remove that?  Makes no sense.

Note to technology companies: I’m not an idiot, there is not “too much information” or “too many choices” out there.  Sifting through a shit-ton of data every day is what it means to live in the 21st century.  If you are unable or unwilling to do so, join the Amish.  Give me more options, not fewer!

Just as Windows 8 is Microsoft’s cynical attempt to push its Windows Phone, its Windows Tablet, and its Windows Store rather than deliver a useful and cutting-edge operating system, OKCupid’s “Crazy Blind Date” is more of an attempt to generate another revenue stream for the company than actually enhance the dating experience.

Which is sad because it’s not like “free” online dating sites are lacking in money-making potential.  They generate huge amounts of revenue for their owners without having to push anything other than ads.  And the OKC matching system is one that actually works because it gives — what’s that? — choices!  You can answer 1000 matching questions or zero.  The more effort you put into it, the better your matches will be.  Why would they come up with something that throws all that away?  No idea.

The funniest part to me was the day OKC scrambled everyone’s online dating photos to promote their new shitty service.  It was supposed to last the whole day, but only lasted a couple of hours before they restored everyone’s photos.  I have a feeling that the backlash or user dropoff was so great that they had to nix that idea.

Nobody but the worst kind of bored attention-whores would want to go out with people they can’t see or know anything about before the date, and then pay to “rate” them afterward.  Do you really think you’ll have a shot with a girl who’s been out with 5 guys in 5 days and is pushing each of them to “rate” her highly so that she can go on even more dates?  If so, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.

So just as Windows 8 was a huge clusterfuck of a mistake based upon the concept that “users are idiots,” Crazy Blind Date takes that philosophy to the online dating world and turns out to be a huge turd of a product as well.  I predict it will be scrubbed from the site within 6 months, and frankly it was probably designed to only last that long.  But both products, the new Windows and OKC’s new dating paradigm, will do what they’re supposed to do in the meantime: generate lots of $$$ for their creators until the public takes a deep breath and realizes that they simply suck.

Taking choices away from people is never a good long-term strategy.